Thoughts of an Angel Mommy, Chapter Five

Morning reflection after receiving my fibromyalgia diagnosis this week… “ Water dissolving and water removing There is water at the bottom of the ocean Under the water, carry the water Remove the water from the bottom of the ocean Water dissolving and water removing Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down Letting the days go by, water flowing underground Into the blue again, into the silent water Under the rocks and stones, there is water underground Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down Leting the days go by, water flowing underground Into the blue again, after the money's gone Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground You may ask yourself, "What is that beautiful house?" You may ask yourself, "Where does that highway go to?" And you may ask yourself, "Am I right, am I wrong?" And you may say to yourself, "My God, what have I done?"” Lyrics shared from : talking heads once in a lifetime lyrics https://g.co/kgs/7g...

Have you ever wondered what it is like to see a broken heart? I unfortunately have. The number of times in my life that I have experienced struggle, loss, hardships, there is not a number. This photo featured was from a moment in my life, the calm before the storm. I can only hope this is the last time I have to experience this terrible heartbreak. 

I am a mother to many who are only with me in memory. Three of those angels I was able to hold in my arms before saying one last final goodbye. One of those angels was born living and passed in my arms. To all who hearts are aching today, I see you and am here with you. Happy Bereaved Mother’s Day!  

  Have you ever thanked yourself before? I do it now from time to time. I felt like a letter to myself could be nice to read in the future. Dear Evelyn, Thank you for embracing life months ago, and living in the moment. I admire your strength, compassion, your positivity, hope, love, and peace. All the work you've done has gotten me here, and continuing to teach me. 'Future' Evelyn thanks you too. Keep up the great work, so you may worry less about what was, what could be, and enjoy what is. Sincerely and with love, 'Present' Evelyn

  I took this photo today outside of a church, visited and gave condolences and love to my family. Saw so many people who’s lives were impacted and inspired, while remembering a beautiful and kind soul, my cousin Kathy. I can only hope that when my day arrives, that my loved ones honor me in a similar way, celebrating my life, and with color! I then wrote the following when I shared this photo on my personal profile. The spirit of the day moved me to write and share what was on my heart. “And may you cherish time shared with loved ones, for you don’t know when your last embrace will be. Hopeful your words and actions were that of comfort, and your heartache at ease through the grief of loss. Remembering and honoring in spirit, my family, friends, those tragically gone too soon, those I’ve never met, my last 2.5 years of losses, and my angel babies who watch over us; that are no longer with us. Whatever my future holds, I continue to hold onto hope. And that my life is full of peace...

  You can only joke and laugh it off, for so long, until the reality of how bad it is catches up with you. New health update upcoming…

  Last week I went in to see my orthopedic doctor in Lee’s Summit. He did an EMG on my neck (checking nerve responses and also using needles, ouch!). I’ve been having pain and tingling for years in my neck. This has also caused me to have restricted movement. When I sleep on my sides, at times it feels near impossible to get comfortable without pain starting at my neck, my shoulders, then all the way down my arms to my fingertips with numbness. I learned that the last four years, since I had the EMG done, that my carpal tunnel in both wrists is now so severe that I will need to see a hand specialist, for outpatient surgery. Of course I am waiting until after I get my new walking brace for my drop foot, as to not do any new damage to my wrists after surgery. My brace appointment has also been delayed due to it not arriving a month after my custom mold was done. By the time I finally get my walking brace, so long that it actually arrives on time, it will be about two months of waitin...

  Yesterday was a very difficult and emotional day for me. Technology wasn’t working and I basically “lost it” and overwhelmingly cried for the bulk of the entire afternoon. I then reached out to one of the groups I volunteer in, and said I couldn’t get what I needed to, completed on time. It was quite frustrating and I felt like I had failed, and I still feel that way. I should be invincible, right?! No, I am not. Everyone chipped in and helped, I knew they would, however I didn’t want to add to their list of responsibilities. Guess what friends, THIS is what community is about!! Helping each other. I then made a video that spanned the length of about 45 minutes in total, and shared it on my personal profile. I talked about what’s been happening in my life and opened up about the struggles I’ve been facing. I plan to share here soon, however, hopefully, it will be a little less emotionally charged. I can still count on one hand how many times I’ve cried since November 1st, yesterd...

  I’m feeling so exhausted tonight. Rough bedtime transition, it’s hard to be a parent after multiple losses, including your child’s sibling that they got to meet. I just wish there was a solution and also, that I had been a more emotionally calm person years ago. Inner guilt is something I don’t wish to linger on, so I’m going to try to extend myself grace and forgiveness. We can only do the best we can with the information we have at the time. So the past stays in the past, we can learn from our experience, and that knowledge can help shape our present and future. I just hope the future finally helps bring each one of us in this household, peace.

  I wish I could say I feel a little bit better today, however I just feel like I started all over again… I know it’s not true, I’m just frustrated.

 February 24th, 2023, originally from my Facebook Page, Holding Onto Hope . Feel free to click here to see the original post .  " Good evening everyone, I wanted to share what I wrote last night after I had the worst panic attack I’ve had in my life. Apparently I’ve been unintentionally internalizing my feelings and not expressing, to many other than a few close family, my church, and my friends; what I’ve been experiencing the past few months. Watching your body fall apart, is hard, there are not enough words to describe the sorrow it brings. Grieving the loss of physical movement, the ability to walk… Without further ado, here is the poem I wrote. And I’ll be sure to link my blog post in this too, just in case you missed the post I shared before this one. Slow FAST Decline Written by Evelyn L. Schwenke, February 24th, 2023, at 12:10am. If you knew how hard it was, would you say ‘At least it’s not as bad as…’ “fill in the blank”? Or remind me of how strong I am, after all, tr...

 February 23rd, 2023, video from my Facebook Page, Holding Onto Hope . Click here to see the original Facebook post .  " Today has me feeling so many emotions. So after I arrived home I decided to chat a little bit about what’s been on my mind and my heart. About 8 or so minutes, so if you watch, hang in there, I appreciate your taking a moment out of your day to listen and hopefully take some of what I talked about, to heart. Being there for others, is such a gift. I’ve talked about being there for yourself of course, however have you ever considered that helping another, also helps yourself?! It feels true for myself at least. If you feel moved to do so, I would love to hear how you were able to help another person today. As always, take care of yourself and I hope this day is kind to you. Namaste. "

 Originally shared from my Facebook Page, Holding Onto Hope . February 22nd, 2023. Click here to view the original Facebook post .  " Day 2 with a video check-in. Been experiencing quite a bit lately, keeping busy today. I hope this season of Lent is peaceful for you. Looking forward to journaling every day during Lent. This video isn’t 11 minutes today so feel free to tune in. We all can use a little bit of hope, and you know I’m holding onto so much hope these days. Remember self-care, be there for others in your community, and may you have a gentle week. If it’s warmer today, get outside and enjoy some sunshine. Namaste and take care. "

 Originally shared from my Facebook Page, Holding Onto Hope . February 21st, 2023. Click here to see the original Facebook post .  " Hello and good afternoon. I hope today finds you as well as can be. I wanted to do something today that is a little out of my comfort zone, make a video and sing a song. This video is unedited, and me. Nervous, anxious, self-conscious, and rusty vocals. No filters, no makeup, and no prep time beforehand. *Editing to add that this is more just myself talking, as I forgot that melody part way through the song, so thanks for listening.* My heart has a large great of thanks to our friends who invited us to First United Methodist Church Blue Springs , one year ago was our first visit, and we have been attending ever since. I feel like a part of a caring, compassionate community, my spiritual family, and thankful to be a part of a wonderful Life Group of parents. Even my kiddo is growing spiritually as person and I enjoy watching him as he figures out...

  Unconditional love, bright lights, cries, warmth, growth, conditions, fears, years. Dark river, drowning, gasping for air, waves crashing down, drifting to the ocean. Rocking Horse, forward, back, forward, back, sunshine, laughter, bright smiles.  STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD! Tears, black, blue, gas-lit, desperate prayers, disappointment, deaths, guilt. Loneliness, confusion, longing, missing, bad decisions, buried trauma. School, field trips, teacher's pet, drifting, friends, changes, sleepovers. Last freshmen year of middle school, driving, high school dances. Choir, band, drama, photography, multiple clubs, hang outs, fast food. Misdirection, deception, unknowing, denial, car crash, braces, intentional plea. SOMEONE LISTEN TO ME! Misrepresentation, celebrations, competitions, awards, ribbons, graduation. Unsaid words, searching for meaning, kinship, connection, whirlwind, breathless.  Exposed, happiness, quick courtship, I Do, honeymoon, collage rejection, injury. WHY I...

  I feel at peace and much more relaxed after my energy session today. Self care is so important and this is exactly what my spirit and body needed. Joan, I suppose I could call her my Energy Work Practitioner; she is the real deal and has a gift. I’m so thankful I met her, and plan to have future sessions to help me while I continue to do what I can to keep moving forward. For those interested, as I’m sure some may be. Her name is Joan Wyjack, and if you are interested in working with her, and open to what may help you, then I highly recommend reaching out to her. I’ll update with more information here when I’m able. However if you want to read more, you can visit https://www.mantrakc.com/readings to get some information about what Joan provides through Mantra, located in Blue Springs, MO. I’ll also find and attach a business card when I’m able. I also plan to work again with Sacred Roots Holistic Healing, their Independence, MO, location. I feel seeing the providers I have rec...

  Tears are not a sign of weakness, instead this morning I see them as a sign of the strength and love we have, falling from our eyes. Tears can also be that of mourning, grief in motion. There is so much heaviness in the world, each individual experience, unique, and filled with their own hardships. Let us take this time to extend grace to one another, for we do not know the path of others, only the life we lead ourselves.