Thoughts of an Angel Mommy, Chapter Five

I wanted to share a song I’ve been working on for months. I began in March and finally finished today, in August, when the lyrics were singing through my mind. Almost like a part of me was saying, “You are ready to write again.”  I’ve experienced a lot in this lifetime. Through a challenging childhood, surgeries, disability, physical ailments that have been causing all numbers of difficulties. Multiple deaths in my families, over half a dozen lost pregnancies. And the latest from the past few years has been the hardest. My joints and nerves constantly battling one another, osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia diagnosis (to which I already had suspected the fibromyalgia for years). Watching closely for other physical signs that could arise.  Even though I’m losing my physical strength, and ability to walk, I’ve not lost my mind, nor lost my hope. I am going forward and holding onto hope, while remaining realistic. Thank goodness for my optimism, it’s helped me when I’ve been in surv...

Today, sharing photos each day through the month of Pride. Being genuine and showing love to myself. 😊🌈❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💗

A day of errands and a day of thoughts. Took this quick picture yesterday and have had a lot on my heart the past several years. A new blog will be upcoming, until then, I’m here and still going forward. 

This past weekend was time with family and Kansas City. I’ve been enjoying time with my kiddo, and cherishing moments with family.  Even though life is unexpected and messy, I’m doing my best to move forward and keep staying as active as possible. I want to keep going for my kid, he means the world to me. 

  Was feeling particularly lovely last night, able to wear a dress I purchased back in 2017, and had fun dressing up for a symphony performance. Once home, I had fun and took some photographs. Enjoy!

  Wonderful concert last night with my aunt, at the Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts , and watched the Kansas City Symphony. Fantastic performance! Afterwards we went to the Jerusalem Cafe for a bite to eat and shared a combo platter appetizer, it was so delicious that I’m still fondly remembering it. Cherished memories that I hope I remember forever.

  When First United Methodist Church Blue Springs gave these to the kiddos at the beginning of their school year, I was reassured that we were at the place we were meant to be. I still feel that and thankful for the community, friendships, support, spiritual guidance, joy, love, encouragement, and peace; attending this church has brought us. Happy Pride Month, dear friends, family, and those I’ve not met! May this be a gentle, joyful month for you, and that you feel you can celebrate your unique and beautiful individuality. (Photo featuring a backpack tag that has rainbow colors, that to me, represents pride; and it says “you are loved” in all caps.)

  When life gives you white hairs, have fun because it’s a sign of wisdom… That’s me trying to make a joke, I have no lemons right now for lemonade. What I am doing is trying my best to get through each day and take what life gives me and make the most of it. Remember your self-care and take real time for yourself each day, because that feeling of burnout, is real. PS- What I said about wisdom is true, by the way. Enjoying learning and growing as a person throughout all the seasons of life.

 I have had many thoughts as of late and wanted to write them down. I have also decided to work on my creative writing, so I will do some of that here too.  Today was a day full of sunshine and activities. I am grateful that I was able to be there for my kid for Field Day, even though I only saw him in passing.  One more day of school and then summer vacation. Hopefully a nice summer filled with some wonderful memories. 

 They felt like a hollow shell, going through the motions, unsure how to break out and go in a new direction. Concerned about the consequences of moving on. Feeling more friendship than deep love, trying to open their heart every day, only feeling slight moments during times of complete relaxation.  Realizing that food was their substitution for a caring person in their life, food was the comfort they weren't getting at whatever time it was. Still feeling that nudge to overeat occasionally.  They feel like it is an obligation to stay, almost out of fear or worry of the "what ifs" that will arise from their family, as they won't fully understand why. However giving more credit than many would because children, family, friends, because people pick up on the little things, even if you don't think they do. The last few weeks and months they haven't felt right, and truth be told, things haven't felt right for years, they didn't know if they ever truly did. ...

 I don't know what to do, how to feel, how to go forward, all while feeling trapped in one way or another. 

  I have no idea where this journey is taking me, however I know I’m not walking it alone. Knowing that I have support helps bring me comfort and peace.

  Do you ever find it interesting how life keeps you on your toes? Here we all are, traveling down this road together, page after page of new chapters; yet all having our own individual experiences. Making memories, hopefully growing and learning as we gain wisdom. I’m grateful that my mind woke up a few months ago, and find it fascinating that now that I am more “in tune” or have a sense of wakefulness, that I notice how much more quickly time is passing by. Taking advantage of what I can achieve while I have the time to do so. We never know when our last moment will be. I decided months ago that I’m not going to worry about all the little things anymore, that I will make the most of everything and live!! Best decision I’ve made in some time.

  Here you go, a smile photo of myself with teeth showing. For me, now, my smiles and laughter are situational. So if I don’t share many photos like this, it’s because those other moments weren’t captured. For example, I had to pose this smile and it didn’t feel natural. Also, I’ve been saying for years that I find things funny, however not everything makes me laugh,.. still true to a degree. I feel like with a lot of the physical decline I’ve been experiencing, it’s taught me to keep going. And so long as I have my mind, able to talk, recognize people, and retain some memory; I’ll be ok. I’m going to continue living my life and do what brings me joy and makes me happy.

  Have you ever thanked yourself before? I do it now from time to time. I felt like a letter to myself could be nice to read in the future. Dear Evelyn, Thank you for embracing life months ago, and living in the moment. I admire your strength, compassion, your positivity, hope, love, and peace. All the work you've done has gotten me here, and continuing to teach me. 'Future' Evelyn thanks you too. Keep up the great work, so you may worry less about what was, what could be, and enjoy what is. Sincerely and with love, 'Present' Evelyn