Thoughts of an Angel Mommy, Chapter Five

I am a mother to many who are only with me in memory. Three of those angels I was able to hold in my arms before saying one last final goodbye. One of those angels was born living and passed in my arms. To all who hearts are aching today, I see you and am here with you. Happy Bereaved Mother’s Day!  

  I took this photo today outside of a church, visited and gave condolences and love to my family. Saw so many people who’s lives were impacted and inspired, while remembering a beautiful and kind soul, my cousin Kathy. I can only hope that when my day arrives, that my loved ones honor me in a similar way, celebrating my life, and with color! I then wrote the following when I shared this photo on my personal profile. The spirit of the day moved me to write and share what was on my heart. “And may you cherish time shared with loved ones, for you don’t know when your last embrace will be. Hopeful your words and actions were that of comfort, and your heartache at ease through the grief of loss. Remembering and honoring in spirit, my family, friends, those tragically gone too soon, those I’ve never met, my last 2.5 years of losses, and my angel babies who watch over us; that are no longer with us. Whatever my future holds, I continue to hold onto hope. And that my life is full of peace...

  I’m feeling so exhausted tonight. Rough bedtime transition, it’s hard to be a parent after multiple losses, including your child’s sibling that they got to meet. I just wish there was a solution and also, that I had been a more emotionally calm person years ago. Inner guilt is something I don’t wish to linger on, so I’m going to try to extend myself grace and forgiveness. We can only do the best we can with the information we have at the time. So the past stays in the past, we can learn from our experience, and that knowledge can help shape our present and future. I just hope the future finally helps bring each one of us in this household, peace.

Today… It wasn't an easy morning, the past few years has been hard on my family. Other typical daily challenges make everything feel much harder than it needs to be. A look back in time… Yesterday… It felt like a bitter-sweet day.  Celebrating my husband's birthday, the joyful moments. Gritting my teeth through the pain my body and ankle gives me. Unless you know me or have been around me during the difficult moments, you may never realize how heartbreaking this degeneration has been for me.  Why is my body falling apart?  Why can't answers be found?  The waiting has been hard on my heart.   Wearing my new-to-me shrug / sweater. Channeling my inner dude. Anyone ever watch the movie, The Big Lebowski?  I feel so very tired and a little bit overwhelmed these days. Procrastination is frustrating, as I find it challenging to move forward with responsibilities when so much unknown still lies ahead.  I find myself taking more photos these days. I try to reme...