Thoughts of an Angel Mommy, Chapter Five

 They felt like a hollow shell, going through the motions, unsure how to break out and go in a new direction. Concerned about the consequences of moving on. Feeling more friendship than deep love, trying to open their heart every day, only feeling slight moments during times of complete relaxation.  Realizing that food was their substitution for a caring person in their life, food was the comfort they weren't getting at whatever time it was. Still feeling that nudge to overeat occasionally.  They feel like it is an obligation to stay, almost out of fear or worry of the "what ifs" that will arise from their family, as they won't fully understand why. However giving more credit than many would because children, family, friends, because people pick up on the little things, even if you don't think they do. The last few weeks and months they haven't felt right, and truth be told, things haven't felt right for years, they didn't know if they ever truly did. ...

  Sunday, January 15th, 2023, was a day I remember. Thankfully, photographs I've taken over the past years, have helped me remember days like this.  Visiting family in the St. Louis area to celebrate my 42nd birthday. A weekend of joy, and also a weekend of pain and tears. However before I discuss my day in what detail I remember, I wish to go back in time a little bit further.  It was the year of 2006, I was preparing to go into lumbar spinal surgery and hopeful it would help with the lumbar disc degeneration, pain, and other uncomfortable difficulties. At the time this was not something I decided on lightly, and I took a lot of faith and trust into the neurosurgeon I was a patient with at the time. Of course, years later I would learn that not only did this surgeon operate on a patient that caused a malpractice law suit to arise, the patient died. Upon further research, information that was not available years prior, years of malpractice suits from multiple patients. I ...

 Today begins a new, it feels like the chapters of my life have been filled with more than one person should ever have to experience, yet here I am...  I have wanted to update and write in my blog for months, I feel all I have accomplished is an update to what already has happened in the past. In fact that is what I did today, with finishing up my Thoughts of an Angel Mommy, Chapter Three, and then Chapter Four, and beginning Chapter Five. It's been a process, and I am so thankful I'm doing this.  I have a lot to say and I hope to be able to have the mental strength and endurance to write as much as I can.  I am unsure where to start, I'm tired. Perhaps one day I'll be able to look around myself and able to feel like I can see myself again, happy, peaceful, in a good place. Not physically falling apart.... and that is another story all together, for another day.  Until then...  To read my prior chapters, feel free to visit these links.  Chapter Four...