Thoughts of an Angel Mommy, Chapter Five

 I have had many thoughts as of late and wanted to write them down. I have also decided to work on my creative writing, so I will do some of that here too.  Today was a day full of sunshine and activities. I am grateful that I was able to be there for my kid for Field Day, even though I only saw him in passing.  One more day of school and then summer vacation. Hopefully a nice summer filled with some wonderful memories. 

 They felt like a hollow shell, going through the motions, unsure how to break out and go in a new direction. Concerned about the consequences of moving on. Feeling more friendship than deep love, trying to open their heart every day, only feeling slight moments during times of complete relaxation.  Realizing that food was their substitution for a caring person in their life, food was the comfort they weren't getting at whatever time it was. Still feeling that nudge to overeat occasionally.  They feel like it is an obligation to stay, almost out of fear or worry of the "what ifs" that will arise from their family, as they won't fully understand why. However giving more credit than many would because children, family, friends, because people pick up on the little things, even if you don't think they do. The last few weeks and months they haven't felt right, and truth be told, things haven't felt right for years, they didn't know if they ever truly did. ...

 I don't know what to do, how to feel, how to go forward, all while feeling trapped in one way or another. 

  I did a thing. Featuring a view of my new haircut with the multi colors of reds and golden blonde. Think I’ll have some fun this summer.

  I have no idea where this journey is taking me, however I know I’m not walking it alone. Knowing that I have support helps bring me comfort and peace.

  Do you ever find it interesting how life keeps you on your toes? Here we all are, traveling down this road together, page after page of new chapters; yet all having our own individual experiences. Making memories, hopefully growing and learning as we gain wisdom. I’m grateful that my mind woke up a few months ago, and find it fascinating that now that I am more “in tune” or have a sense of wakefulness, that I notice how much more quickly time is passing by. Taking advantage of what I can achieve while I have the time to do so. We never know when our last moment will be. I decided months ago that I’m not going to worry about all the little things anymore, that I will make the most of everything and live!! Best decision I’ve made in some time.

 

 

Yes indeed.  

 

  All of this!

 

 

 

 

For me, very true. It’s been a journey.  

 

  Here you go, a smile photo of myself with teeth showing. For me, now, my smiles and laughter are situational. So if I don’t share many photos like this, it’s because those other moments weren’t captured. For example, I had to pose this smile and it didn’t feel natural. Also, I’ve been saying for years that I find things funny, however not everything makes me laugh,.. still true to a degree. I feel like with a lot of the physical decline I’ve been experiencing, it’s taught me to keep going. And so long as I have my mind, able to talk, recognize people, and retain some memory; I’ll be ok. I’m going to continue living my life and do what brings me joy and makes me happy.

I am a mother to many who are only with me in memory. Three of those angels I was able to hold in my arms before saying one last final goodbye. One of those angels was born living and passed in my arms. To all who hearts are aching today, I see you and am here with you. Happy Bereaved Mother’s Day!  

  Have you ever thanked yourself before? I do it now from time to time. I felt like a letter to myself could be nice to read in the future. Dear Evelyn, Thank you for embracing life months ago, and living in the moment. I admire your strength, compassion, your positivity, hope, love, and peace. All the work you've done has gotten me here, and continuing to teach me. 'Future' Evelyn thanks you too. Keep up the great work, so you may worry less about what was, what could be, and enjoy what is. Sincerely and with love, 'Present' Evelyn

  I took this photo today outside of a church, visited and gave condolences and love to my family. Saw so many people who’s lives were impacted and inspired, while remembering a beautiful and kind soul, my cousin Kathy. I can only hope that when my day arrives, that my loved ones honor me in a similar way, celebrating my life, and with color! I then wrote the following when I shared this photo on my personal profile. The spirit of the day moved me to write and share what was on my heart. “And may you cherish time shared with loved ones, for you don’t know when your last embrace will be. Hopeful your words and actions were that of comfort, and your heartache at ease through the grief of loss. Remembering and honoring in spirit, my family, friends, those tragically gone too soon, those I’ve never met, my last 2.5 years of losses, and my angel babies who watch over us; that are no longer with us. Whatever my future holds, I continue to hold onto hope. And that my life is full of peace...

  This was me a few days ago… Smiling through the pain. Just in case anyone wonders why I am not smiling all the time, this is one reason. ‘Fibromyalgia’ flare up, nerve spasms, full body pains, and even the drop in temperature did something to me that day. I have said for a long time, like a broken record, that I’m always feeling cold, and my body pains get worse when it’s hot, however I like the warmer temperatures and I prefer ice packs to help calm my nerves or aches and pains down… Oh my, that’s a lot. I feel like I was in such a habit over the last few years to state what was mentioned above, and my declining health distracted me. Honestly, I do best around the temperature of 72-75 degrees. These past few months my body has been experiencing a lot of change, and I feel that whatever undiagnosed element is happening inside of my body, is beginning to show itself. I finally have an appointment to see a rheumatologist. Hopeful for answers so I can better know how to take care of...

 

  I’ve been compiling a list this past week. I hope to be ready for an update in a few days. There is no easy way to talk about all the details, so thank you for your patience. Photo from a few days ago, myself at the doctor’s office listening to my audio book, wearing my Love Out Loud T-shirt.

  Today was my mental health day… and it didn’t begin that way. It’s been an extremely physically rough last three months. Believe it or not, I haven’t taken a lot of downtime. I felt selfish at first for doing so, and then reminded myself that other errands and chores will be taken care of all in good time. I can only do as much as my body and energy will allow at the time. So, no health updates. However prayers are greatly appreciated!! Namaste.