A look back in time... (photos from the last 14 months)

Today… It wasn't an easy morning, the past few years has been hard on my family. Other typical daily challenges make everything feel much harder than it needs to be.

A look back in time…

Yesterday… It felt like a bitter-sweet day.

Celebrating my husband's birthday, the joyful moments.

Gritting my teeth through the pain my body and ankle gives me. Unless you know me or have been around me during the difficult moments, you may never realize how heartbreaking this degeneration has been for me.

Why is my body falling apart?

Why can't answers be found?

The waiting has been hard on my heart.

Wearing my new-to-me shrug / sweater. Channeling my inner dude. Anyone ever watch the movie, The Big Lebowski?

I feel so very tired and a little bit overwhelmed these days. Procrastination is frustrating, as I find it challenging to move forward with responsibilities when so much unknown still lies ahead.

I find myself taking more photos these days. I try to remember… For quite some months, I’ve felt like I don’t recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. Or I look at a tired photo hours or days later, who is that person? I don’t know her. Weight fluctuation, whatever is happening in my body, depression and anxiety; does not help.

I have no idea what is ahead of me, however looking back in time shows me where I’ve been. I can learn from this person, she has experienced much more than any one person should have to experience in her life.

It is just so hard to see myself over these past few months…

This past weekend, the photos above, triggering moments with the pain and weakness, another art museum with difficulty walking, and the only difference is this time I had a walker that I could also use as a knee scooter. Our family was witness to my troubles with walking, that ached my heart.

This shouldn’t be happening.

Why is this happening to me?!

At times I’m barely holding myself together.

Other times I feel feelings of light in the darkness, it brings me hope.

I picked up a few new-to-me medical devices yesterday. I didn’t want it to come to this… However it is a necessity, I need a wheelchair for our longer family outings when there is too much walking ahead of me. A place to rest and allow my ankle to reduce in swelling.

I have to wrap my foot and ankle at night now to be able to sleep, also in case I need to get up before morning, I need my ankle supported at all times. Swelling, redness, heat coming from every ankle joint, my body is trying so hard to keep going, all while falling apart.

I know this is a lot to scroll through. I needed to put this in some type of order for myself.

Grief, depression, anxiety, worry, stress, among the other multiple things, can cause us to say things we wouldn’t normally, or to act in ways that others may question. This is all part of the grieving process.

Through the positive days and the not so great days… Tears, yes, I am finally capable of crying again and the gut aching pain that comes from my tears. Medications to help with my emotions have also caused me great physical distress. So instead of two, I am back with only my original prescribed, as of January. And since January, my physical health has taken a large hit. Are we sure that the month of January wasn't actually multiple months or several years?

Multiple doctor's appointments now in the past calendar year, and much more in the last four months. This is not how an ankle should look, riddled with problems, it is only getting worse, and even with the walking boot, so much pain.

I got a haircut by the way. I felt like I needed this for myself. I have another one in a few weeks, may go shorter, haven't decided.

I love my hair long or short. It has been the one thing I waited on until I felt ready to finally do more, well needed, self-care.

Watching my body fall apart, losing the ability to walk, telling myself every moment to not give up and keep going.

I haven't fixed up the knee scooter I found among my thrifting, however I hope to soon. Ignore the sideways photograph.

This is the walker I take with me everywhere I go now...

I have several walkers, and in multiple areas of our multi-level home.

This above was the first I found. It is like being on a treasure hunt.

I miss the days when I could walk, even with slight aching pains, I felt like I could still do what I needed to.

I try to keep myself smiling. It’s getting harder to do so as time continues forward.

It feels odd to look back in time… That person had a world of pain surrounding her, she had no idea how deep she had fallen until she stumbled and began crawling out of the pit.

My X-rays and other imaging, have only shown negative findings, although a ray of positivity is that no broken bones or fractures found as of yet. However I may have micro-fractures in my ankle that could be causing the most recent pain, I just won't know until my weeks of waiting to have another CT, time, is up.

I am moving forward as best I can. Looking at photos of the past, yes, these complications have been happening for over 1.5 years. One year ago, multiple problems, those around me were beginning to take notice, I could not mask it very well any longer. However my life has been turned upside down the last six months, and I am unsure why the time-frame of degeneration has sped up. It's been a little over one month now, my world is upside down.

Why is this happening to me?

What is this trying to teach me?

There is no greater loss than that of a child, and the loss of a parent can leave us feeling even more lost.

This photo above was my grandfather's sled that he built with his father, this sled is almost 100 years old. What an incredible keepsake, and I still have yet to fix it up.

Photo above is of the hospital chapel, where I prayed while my mother was dying.

August, these last few photos are about six months old. Last summer was quite stressful, watching my mother give up, to not try, her body falling apart due to lack of effort; although she did have the desire to keep going and things were beginning to turn around, or so we hoped. Now, as for myself, my body that is falling apart due to overuse and weakening drop-foot, and my unknown-to-me ailments and potential autoimmune or other serious underlying conditions.

The hospital were my mother died.

Eden Theological Seminary, where my grandfather studied, and returned often. It was peaceful to visit and walk the same sidewalks that my grandparents walked.

Unity Village, where I've attended Moon Circle gatherings, meditated, and found peace.

This was the last photo I took before I lost my mother. Technically, I suppose, it depends on your definition of time of death. This was where she was staying until yet another hospital visit, and then one more transfer to another place for rehabilitation. And it was when she was in rehab, that she fell, had CPR, one more ambulance ride where she coded, believe that was the second time, my memory escapes me. Once my mother arrived at the hospital what made up her personality, was gone, too much damage to her brain. About 1.5 weeks later, we took Mom off life support, and her spirit left us.

I’ve tried to visit places of peace while going where I’ve been needed this past year. I feel as though I'm overextending myself, not doing as great a job where I've been needed. Although we are most hard and critical on ourselves, aren't we?!